my small business broken heart

I work for a corporation. Related by unrelated; here are a list of things that have forsaken me since monday: children, corporations, autumn weather, soda pop cup sizes, dry lips, autumn rainy day, taking blurry photos of bugs with a desolate cityscape crystal clear in the background, sociology class, emailers, nurse practitioners, and probably other things but I cannot be bothered to name any more.

Side note: if any of my coworkers were to ever find this, it would SO hilarious because I talk mad shit and TAG IT. Hey guys (if you're here), please do not fire me, I promise I can change.

So previously, my workplace was boss-less which meant I couldn't get fired because we are already short staffed, and we wouldn't have anyone to fire me or to hire any new people (because they are in need). When I got into work yesterday, my world is already in shambles. All I have eaten all day was sausage and dried fruit for breakfast and lunch and I was trying to stave off hunger with teas, coffees and hot cocoas. Now I find out that we have a new boss. In the past, she has demonstrated the knowledge of how to appeal to my money-loving sad student soul. Instead of offering me more shifts, she is offering me more money. So I feel like I am in danger.

The first red flag was seeing our regional manager in the building. For storytelling purposes only, I will tell you that I walk to work (5 minutes) with untied shoelaces because I cannot be bothered and time is money. I only go pee, fill my water bottle and tie my shoes while I am being paid. After clocking in, I screw around on the computer and hide in the back because I am a little early and if I show my face, I have to interact with millenials. Then I see her.

She does not see me because as a corporate goon, she cannot give me, a measly receptionist the time of day. So I get worked up for nothing (cute). Instead of a boss (before new boss –– also we still have them), we have two 'lead doctors' who are in charge when no one else is around. She comes up to me to name a list of things I should do. If I wanted that, I would just go spend 5 minutes around my own mother. Telling me to do this and that, as if she could do my job for 20 minutes. What happened to her?

We used to all work for a small, locally owned business. Albeit it was run by an oligarchy of middle-aged white men, I was on a first name basis with them all so it was a little different. Work mom-boss lady used to never talk to me, was kind of scary and unapproachable, ngl and 3 months after I started, she came over to me and said, 'do I know you?' (she meant outside of work, which she did) and then hugged me??? Weird times.

So her husband (and her, by extension) went to school with my mom's cousin and so my parents would party with them all throughout their twenties. Did I get a nepo job? [51% yes, 49% no] it is truly unclear. So yes, she did know me, and maybe the first hug was warranted. The moment that she surprised me the most was last spring when I went back to the office to beg for my job back (I didn't want it) and she hugged me. Was it a cute moment? I cannot tell because she spent the last two summers scaring me.

Her husband is a strange guy. He knows my whole family. When I started working for him, Nonna told me to tell him that she said hi. When I did, he asked me if she was still alive? I had to tell him that yes, if she is saying hi to you, chances are she's alive. He asked me how she was doing yesterday, and he meant 'had her ailment cured itself with the treatment he prescribed.' I do not know because I don't talk to her about that stuff. All we talk about is Italian celebrity drama.

Halloween is upon us, so the halls are being decked for this festive occasion. By that, I mean that someone made an allocation in the budget to buy a dozen pumpkins, paint, palettes and paint brushes. So we have room in the budget for craft supplies, but when they gave me a raise, it was only by $0.01? I hate corporations. 

On the semi-related note of craft supplies, while volunteering yesterday, I had a seven year old child howl at me because I mentioned wolves. I also became terrified when a ten year old was banging on the door. And then I watched another kid with my own two eyes eat diaper powder AGAIN after explicitly telling him four times to stop. My little cousins (7F and 11F –– not 10, but close enough) would never do this to me. I am being mistreated by a bunch of miscreants would cannot even reach the soap dispenser in most commercial buildings (not like they believe in soap yet, anyway). 

Speaking of washing hands (CW: this paragraph only – blood, butt holes, doctors, poop, cursing, mention of sex and childbirth), my nurse practitioner told me I may have hemorrhoids or an anal fissure (you don't need to hear my extensive list of symptoms pointing towards it). I looked up the symptoms and it's persistent diarrhea (check) or persistent constipation (a theory my doctor suggested briefly) or straining (check) or holding in your bowel movements/urine (check, check) or sitting on the toilet for long amounts of time (check) and the list goes on. The only two items on the I did not check off were 'anal sex' and 'given birth recently.' So I may as well have done those both as well because I already have all the other potential causes of hemorrhoids/ rectal fissures. Also somehow, I have diarrhea AND constipation at the same time. My doctor told me to eat more fiber but I DON'T KNOW what that is. My anus burns and hurts and is bleeding and the nurse practitioner told me to call back tomorrow to MAYBE get an emergency appointment. Side note: I have a test tomorrow AND halloween plans, if it turns out that I have fucking hemorrhoids, I am cancelling all my plans, taking a senokot and going to bed at 9:30 sorry guys, but I am not sorry. 

As for my test, my prof better answer my email because I will not be there, and I will write online anyways. And as for my sociology final project, if I have to miss class because of a newfound ailment, and my friends decide to split off in groups without me, I don't care. I don't care who is in my group project final assignment because I could do the whole thing by myself. I also hate theatre kids.

Hopefully my mummy is not working tomorrow and she can make me potato soup and comb my hair while I lay in bed. Speaking of food in the house, there is no food in my house. I ate sausage for breakfast, lunch (you would know this if you read every single sentence of this – i love you for it, truly) AND dinner. My life is over. Clara M texted me about a burger and I started crying and then SHE SENT ME A PHOTO and I didn't know how to reply and so I didn't. Today I ate cheese my for lunch and my tummy hurts so much. To look forward to: the new episode of survivor is released tonight but it is hidden behind an obstacle that I first must cross – german class presentation. I believe I can do it, so I will.